Helping a friend

A problem shared...

How many times have you really needed to talk about stuff that is bothering you with someone you trust, have started to get it off your chest and then realised that the trusted person you’re talking to just isn’t doing it properly? They’re not listening.

Or, from a different perspective, you can tell that someone you care about is having a hard time but you just don’t know what to say to him or her. Forget about coming up with the answers, read this and find out about helpful listening. Having good listening skills can be enormously supportive to someone in trouble.

Proper listening to someone means focusing your attention on their problem and how it is actually affecting them. Although we can’t help reacting to someone’s story, our personal responses are not helpful to someone in trouble.

Practical pointers about what to do:

• Avoid fidgeting whilst they are talking.
• Stay with what they’re saying, try not to let your mind wander, don’t interrupt them.
• Try to imagine what it might feel like for your friend in this situation.
• If there is a pause or silence, don’t fill it with your words, just wait.

Practical pointers about what not to say:

• Keep your own ideas, bits of advice and feelings about the situation to yourself. This is not about you

So… what do I say?

• Put what you think they’ve said into your own words. By doing this you are showing your friend that their story/situation is important to you. It also gives your friend a chance to hear their own story in different words. This in itself can be very comforting.
• If you feel the need to ask questions, avoid those beginning with “why…?” If they knew that they probably wouldn’t have the problem in the first place. “You said you’re low at the moment…what do you mean by low?” Other good questions are open questions that get them to say more than a one-word answer.
• Don’t make judgements. Life is never that simple.
• Keep to what’s on their mind, not yours, even if it’s difficult. By changing the focus onto your stuff, the message to your friend is that his/her stuff isn’t worth/ is too unbearable to listen to.

It’s very unlikely that you can solve your friend’s dilemma, no matter how much you’d like to be able to. By being a good listener your friend will feel less alone with their problem and this in itself will help them to feel more able to cope.